What It Means To Live As Yourself
Bloom in the Dark, Christina Mokwa + Katherine Alt (2025)
Digital collage
What It Means to Live as Yourself
(in 500 Words or Less)
To live as yourself means indigo and pitch-stained mornings — long walks — night drives — yellow numbers flicking furiously on the airport departures board.
To live as yourself means many people eye you sidelong.
To live as yourself means lovers, and messes, and a commitment to a wholly imperfect life.
Living as yourself is a suspension of disbelief — an innocent pearlescent wonder restored — found in the eyes of the bus attendant, the kindergarten teacher, the unhoused man pushing his jangling cart // living as yourself is embracing a bias to action — dragging your frozen limbs from an icebox childhood — until you can feel the blood pumping inside you again.
To live as yourself means to greet the bathroom mirror’s nude reflection with joy and appreciation — divine audience of one that has been with you all your life.
To live as yourself means to let the heat come from within // to live as yourself means to watch the waves crash at the cliff side, savoring the sea salt and anonymity — to live in the completeness of namelessness.
To live as yourself means explaining yourself to no one — plunging the crackers greedily into the cream cheese at 3 a.m. — under the angelic glow of the fluorescent fridge light // to live as yourself means licking your fingers — putting the kettle on far too many times in one day — playing your mother’s record collection no matter what time it is.
To live as yourself is to battle the exhaustion of holding yourself up, day after day — against an onslaught of noise, so much noise, trying to yank your heart out of your chest, your eyes out of your head — is to resist open mouths screaming like baby birds for their wants.
To live as yourself means to ceremoniously burn the word should — to shred the expectations of others like a cat at a scratching post — bloodless, sure, and proud.
To live as yourself means to make your eggs exactly as you like them — to share your soft parts with the person who has taken the left side of the bed — even if you would rather stay quiet.
Living as yourself means keeping your eyes open // living as yourself means practicing divination — a dowsing rod with legs — forever walking towards all that is meant for you, and gratefully passing all that is not.
Living as yourself means never throwing yourself away — to thank God for the light, for time, for the smell of fresh lemon blossom.
To live as yourself is to remember, while starting every day new // to live as yourself is to love, while you grieve // to live as yourself is keeping your heart open — a Brahma Lotus — blooming in the dark.
*Written work by Christina Mokwa – © Christina Mokwa/Mokwa LLC/Mokwa Creative Company
